Death Doulas vs Death Planners and Why Both Are Important
When my moms cancer became terminal, she brought in death doula, Lauren Sample, to support and guide her and us on what was to come.
We had quite a few planning sessions with Lauren, my mom and my dad, to go through all of the details and wishes my mom had. For example, she wanted to have her body stay in our home for 2-3 days after she died so her friends and family could come and say goodbye. My dad and I didn’t know that keeping a body in the home for a couple of days was even possible, let alone how to do it. Lauren knew what to do.
When my mom eventually died, Lauren was at the house before I even arrived, with everything we might need. Things ranging from really big ice packs to go under my moms body and to be changed every few hours to an electric beard trimmer in case we needed to trim any facial hairs.
Not only was Lauren prepared, but she was also a calm presence as we were all in the shock and grief of just losing my mom. I think I can speak for my dad and brother when I say we are all endlessly grateful for my moms awareness of wanting a death doula, and for Lauren and everything she helped us with.
I recognize not everyone (and honestly most people) are not as open to or even know what a death doula is. This is where I hope to come in and help with death planning. Yes, death doulas will help plan and guide you through your wishes and what to expect. They will also likely be there in person with you before, during and after you die. But what if you don’t know about death doulas or even want one? How will you think about, plan and communicate your death plans and wishes to those who will be responsible for handling everything?
A death planner, or Plan Big Sleep in this scenario, will only be involved before your death, to ask you thought provoking questions, to organize and document your answers, and to help you communicate your plan and wishes to your core circle, aka those who are responsible for handling everything when you no longer can. Our discussions will also include deciding if you want to have your own death doula present and if so, how to find one in your area.
Once your death plan or Big Sleep Document is completed, I will no longer be involved, unless you want to schedule any followup working sessions to edit your death plan. So, where a death doula will be with you throughout your actual death and will be there to support your family after your death, the work we do at Plan Big Sleep is essentially only the planning beforehand.
A brief comparison of some of the differences between death doulas and death planning.
Lauren was very hands-on and involved with my mom and our family, which of course may vary depending on the death doula you hire, and how involved you want them to be. But, there were also many other aspects of planning for my moms death that my dad and I did on our own.
For example, my mom wanted to be buried in a wicker basket and in a green cemetery. My dad researched where to buy wicker basket caskets (try saying that three times fast). He found a company out of California and had one shipped to New York and it sat in our garage for months before my mom died. We also researched green burial cemeteries in our city and went out and visited them to see if they felt like the right choice for my mom, and for us, who would be going there to visit her after she was buried.
Another thing we had to research on our own was transporting my moms body from our home to the cemetery. Usually you hire a hurst, but my mom didn’t want that, she suggested just putting her body in the back of our family SUV. I remember laughing out loud when she said that and responding, “You cannot carry a dead body, in a wicker basket, in the back of an SUV, on the highway to the cemetery. That’s insane!” Well, apparently it’s not insane, it’s legal and that’s exactly what we did. (My brother and dad also made sure the wicker basket would fit in the back of the SUV well in advance of her death).
Now, imagine if we never talked about those details my mom wanted. Imagine how wrong we would have been if we put her body in a funeral home immediately after she died, bought a fancy casket, and hired a hurst to drive her to a random cemetery. What a pity that would have been.
I recognize my mom had very strong and clear wishes on what she wanted, but from the Plan Big Sleep clients I have already created death plans for, not one is the same as another, nor even similar. They all have little details that are specific to them as an individual and most of those details have not been communicated to the people who would ensure they happen.
One of my clients has collected sea glass from every beach she visits. She told me that at her funeral, she wants all of the sea glass out with little glass jars so guests can fill a jar with the sea glass to take home and remember her by. She also assured me that both of her daughters were aware of her wishes to have this done. When we had her final review of her death plan with her two daughters she asked them, “What is the one thing I’ve told you I want at my funeral?” There was complete silence from both of them. Neither of them knew about the sea glass! I feel honored to know that I was able to capture that wish for her and that her two children now know what their mother wants when she passes.
There are so many little personal details that each human cares about (or doesn’t care about at all) that are not talked about, or mentioned and then forgotten, or never recorded because it’s depressing and difficult and sad to seriously think about and discuss our deaths. But whether you like it or not, we will all eventually die. And when that day comes for you, someone will be responsible for making decisions on what to do with you.
So whether you use a death doula, a death planner, or you just do it yourself, planning for your death, at least to some extent, not only will give you peace of mind, but will also alleviates the stress for those responsible for having to make potentially uninformed decisions on your behalf.
Death Doula information pulled from https://gowithgrace.nz/understanding-death/preparing-for-death/end-of-life-doula-services/
Want to read more about Lauren, my mom, and death doulas?
Check out The Pale Horse Whisperers article written in Roc City Mag.
